double standards be damned


Guys complain that girls don’t message first and then girls complain when guys message that all they say is “hey, what’s up?” or “you’re gorgeous”. Sending that first message is apparently a difficult process requiring the internet wizards to provide guidance.

So I’m currently experimenting with Hinge. It turns out my friends have some pretty good looking friends; talk about holding out on me. So far I’ve matched up with with 7 people in the last 5 days, with very different responses:

  • I ended up blocking 2 because I changed my mind about them. It’s my prerogative as a woman to change my mind.
  • I sent 3 messages that reflected an interest in one of their interests, often with a question attached – travel, running and zombies. Messages that I would definitely have responded to if they had been sent to me. I received no response from 3 after 3 days even though I can see they they have read the message. I didn’t ask a “how do we solve climate change?” kind of question so it can’t have taken that long to respond if they had wanted to.
  • I sent 1 of them a “hey, how’s your weekend?” message. I didn’t get a response, but they also never read my message. Update: I got a response…
  • I received 1 “hey, how’s your weekend?” message. I responded to it and we chatted for a bit.

It turns out guys must get inundated with messages as well and therefore don’t bother responding to messages just as often as girls don’t bother, even if the message is not “hey, how you doin…” So stop thinking so much people! Message if you want to, don’t message if you don’t want to. If they don’t message you back then it just wasn’t meant to be. You’ll just swipe right on the next person.

I want to be the girl.
You are the girl that’s why we’re having this very confusing conversation.


Why is there so much pressure? We all know “hey, what’s up?” is not a good first message. There are so many possible good messages and it will vary. A good profile should give you a hint as to what your common interests are. Use that to spark a conversation. A bad profile doesn’t tell you anything but all is not lost, there is always “would you rather fight a horse sized duck or a duck sized horse?” or apparently just going with “shall we have drinks soon?” works. If you’re great at flirting this part comes naturally and you should go for it regardless of whether or not you would prefer to be chased. If you aren’t great at flirting then what do you have to lose? I’m not suggesting that I am having a huge amount of success with this. But I’m definitely not stressing about the “who should message first?” and “if I message, what should I message?” question. Update: Apparently “hey, how’s your weekend?” is actually pretty successful.


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