eight minutes

Being the kind of person that I am I did some research on what speed dating would be like before I turned up. So a little bit of research and I found two clips, one from 40 year old virgin and this little gem…

Both of these clips pretty much make speed dating look like a lot more fun than it actually is. I went with some friends, and this turned out to be the night’s saving grace because the laughs we shared afterwards were the best part of the night.

I started off the night with a guy who kind of resembled Silas from The Da Vinci Code. He slumped over and he kept nodding even when I wasn’t saying anything. He spoke with a strange lisp and had never traveled outside of the US. He had this horribly limp handshake, I judge strangers based on their handshake and how they react to mine. He just projected creepy and I just wanted those eight minutes to end!

One guy didn’t turn up so I managed to have a break and eavesdropped on the creepy dude pretty much having a similar conversation with the next girl. She mentioned she felt sorry for me having to sit there by myself and I was feeling sorry for her because she had to talk to the creepy guy. I should have taken this moment to bolt and not come back.

Next guy was tall and confident, probably the best looking guy out of the bunch. The conversation flowed a little better. We had both been to Hong Kong so we shared anecdotes about that. We could have probably shared travel stories for quite a while. But other than notice the way he looked and that we enjoyed traveling I didn’t even find out what he did for a living.

Would like to tell you that this story gets better and that this is the point where a guy walks in and wows me. But this is not that kind of story.

So I’ve told anyone who will listen about how only in America is it that when I tell people I’m Australian I always get either confused looks or an exclaimation of “but you look Asian”. So I recounted this story when my next date asked how I felt about USA and it’s attitude towards multiculturalism. He then told me I should introduce myself as an Australian born Vietnamese. While I’m not sure how I feel about his simplistic solution at least he agreed with me about the lack of decent Vietnamese food in NYC. He was articulate and we were able to converse for 8 minutes without any problems although there was just no physical chemistry.

At some point I expected to run into a douche bag and this is the point in the night where it happens. He loved talking about himself, or rather his uncle, and he did share these thoughts with me:

  • Women in their 30’s are at this point where they are desperate for a relationship but they don’t make the time.
  • Women give all these bullshit excuses about yoga classes and salsa lessons instead of going on dates. I am most likely one of these women – an endless stream of things to do which leaves no time for a date.
  • Women don’t actually want to climb Everest. It’s another bullshit excuse for not dating.
  • Women spend too much time on social media making themselves out to look like they have awesome lives. Rather than going out on dates.
  • Women want marriage and kids but put no effort in.

Note to all guys…light jeans is never a good look! It hasn’t been for at least fifteen years now. Can you guess what this douche bag wore?

After that date I needed to down the rest of my beer so it is possible that I had some rose-coloured glasses on but the professor guy was okay. He is outdoorsy so we had that in common but I can’t seem to remember what he looked like. So he was clearly average to the point of forgettable.

Although that was not the high point of the night, it would have been wise to end the night there. The last guy was  just gross and a very sad person. He used to be a programmer but he hated it and then he was fired from his job and he kind of slurred.

Before this event I was up at the Symphony Space for a Wall to Wall Johnny Cash tribute. These were some really amazing performers and if it weren’t for the laughs I had after the speed dating I would have given an arm and a leg to have gone back in time and stayed at the Symphony Space.

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you’re mine, I walk the line

It is quite possible that there was just a huge amount of bad luck involved here with such an inappropriate pool of candidates. But it could also be possible that charming, funny and cute guys don’t need speed dating events. If you’re ever considering going to a speed dating event, here are some tips:

  • Bring backup – a friend to laugh about the experience afterwards will make it so much better.
  • Write really fast notes in between dates because otherwise you’ll forget the details – conversations or looks whichever is more likely to ring a bell for you later.
  • You need to ask the questions which you are most interested in because you don’t have a written profile from which to filter. What is your occupation? What religion do you identify with? Dogs or cats? How many children? So you smoke?
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